Funny things I have seen on my tour

One of the few pleasures I get from travelling round foreign countries is by laughing at foreign things.  This is grossly unfair seeing as I am not nearly as versed in other languages as much as most foreigners are in English, but I don't really care.  Funny things are funny, and I do hope tourists visiting Britain find as much joy in British weirdness as I do when I travel.  Some of these funny things come from misuse of the English language, and some are just there because they are funny.  This is a prime example of both:

Whoever made the tissues is correct; they are, in fact, funny, which is a weird paradox as they wouldn't have been funny if they hadn't been declared to be 'funny.'

Some of the amusing things are apparently just normal things that Germans would find in shops:

I'm not even sure myself why the last one is so funny- I think it's because I can imagine the dog saying- "Ja!" and it would please me greatly if a dog were to say that.  The exclamation mark just adds to the urgency of the golden Labrador's happiness.

A couple of the things aren't German at all, but I just found them hilarious:

The door handle, quite obviously, looks like a very alarmed face which caused me to practically wet myself when I first saw, and the second amused me because I didn't notice the crazy donkey in the background at first and it took me by surprise later.

The next few are things that I just found very WEIRD, yet brilliant:

I am struck, here, by the astounding amount of detail that has gone into re-creating the act of a dog defecating.

This was just an incidence of very poor positioning of a Children's DVD.

There was a whole series of these chicken pictures in one of the hotels we were staying in.  I found it a little disturbing that as well as the chickens wearing business suits and ballgowns, they were accompanied, in each picture, by ACTUAL CHICKENS, one of which, in this case, seems to be intent on dive-bombing the chicken-head humans enjoying their wine.  The whole series was utterly superb.

The following are in English but are still hilarious.

You see that? Outside is 'out of order'- that isn't good at all!

Apologies for the lack of rotation here- I hope the act of turning your head slightly to the left won't put you off my blog for good.  I liked this one because I can't help but notice a slight bitterness to the tone of it, as if they were exhausted with having to deal with air conditioning malfunctions and whenever anyone opens their window a crack loads of alarms and bells start going off and lights flashing crazily and all the staff going mental- "WE WARNED YOU!" They would say, brandishing knives in our faces.  "NOW LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED!!!!"

Flawless logic here!

Why, thank you! I spent almost 2 solid hours chuckling at the over-use of punctuation this person used.  They really want you to take their sacks!

Lastly, here are some of my personal favourites:

Ha ha! Poo.

One day, when I'm old and tired, I'm going to take my husband and my ducks and llamas and we'll settle down in Wankdorf.

There are several things l like about this picture.  Firstly, the exclamation marks designed to stop someone going in, as if without them they would have proceeded anyway and died from shock at the sight of a broken toilet.  Secondly, their decision to include a picture of a toilet as if to further establish in the mind of the reader that it is the TOILET that is broken, not something else, like the door, for example.  Somebody, somewhere, will have gone through the trouble of finding a picture of a toilet and gracefully fading the picture into the white background.  Perhaps this is actually quite an easy thing to do, but it looks like too much effort to me.  Thirdly, the story behind taking this picture is almost funnier than the picture itself.  The first time I went in, I didn't have my camera, so I rushed back to the van to get my phone.  However, when I returned there was a girl in the toilet washing her hands.  Rather than allowing her to think that I had come into the bathroom to take a picture of this sign, I went into a cubicle and gathered a roll of tissue, and pretended to blow my nose for good measure when she looked over at me.  Five painful seconds passed before she left the room and I was able to take the picture, along with losing any shred of dignity that I was still in possession of.

This, we found in Luxembourg, and is probably the best way of describing nuts and crisps I could ever imagine.

I hope you have enjoyed my funnies as much as I have, however I am very much aware that the sophistication of some of these is far above the level that most of my readers are used to, so don't worry if you don't understand all of them.

Why I choose to put stuff on my face

A friend of mine recently raised some money for charity by going a day without wearing make-up.  As she was a make-up ‘connoisseur’, if you will, this was pretty traumatic for her, especially since the day she went without make up involved a fancy ball.  It’s been a while since this event and it’s just occurred to me that I have no idea what went on.  I hope she didn’t die.

Anyway, it got me thinking a little about why it is that girls wear make up in the first place, and how BLOODY ANNOYING it is when men think that girls only put it on because we are terrified of being seen as we really are, or something.  There was a meme going around a while back that followed this kind of theme; I will replicate it here (though it is obviously by no means original):

And it was met with various responses along these lines:

Almost all my past boyfriends have said to me that I actually look BETTER without make-up on than with it.  I don’t know if this is because I’m terrible at applying make-up or if they are being genuine, but, while I know they mean well, it can actually get a wee bit annoying, especially when I've made an extra effort to look nice on a special occasion.

The thing is, I like wearing make-up.  It’s fun.  Just the same as I like wearing pretty clothes and doing my hair all nice.  A lot of men seem to believe that when girls dress up and put their faces on, it is purely for their benefit.  They then, because of their utter benevolence, think it appropriate to assure us that we don’t need to make an effort.  “You’re beautiful as you are,” they’ll say, as if we’re some crippled butterfly that needs 24 hour self-esteem maintenance.

I have got into a few arguments about this with men; I assure them that the reasons girls like to dress up and such are far more numerous and complicated than simply getting a man; we may want to look smart, for example, if we’re going to work and having a massive spot in the middle of my face just looks a bit messy.  When I’m on stage I need to accentuate my eyes.  Often we want to show off in front of other girls, or, most likely for me, it’s because I think there may be people taking photos and I want to look good in them so I can look back at them in 40 years and say- “CRUMBS I was a stunner in those days!” And laugh fondly at the memories.  Apparently, though, this is all just in our heads, and really, subconsciously, unless we’re lesbians, it all comes down to impressing the opposite sex.  “Duck…” I’ve had said to me several times, “that’s may be why you THINK you’re doing it, but, subconsciously, it’s all about impressing men.”

This argument is especially frustrating because there’s no possible counter to it.  Perhaps they’re right and it all is just subconscious, but if we’re saying that, it reduces almost every human behaviour to being sexually, or, at least, romantically motivated.  A lot of cynics actually do believe this, and perhaps they are right; again, there is no possible argument against it, but by GUM I hope they are wrong.  Humans are special and wonderful beings, regardless if you believe in a higher being or not; the amount of  things we have created and understood in our relatively short stay on this earth, is utterly staggering.  Perhaps all this behaviour can be reduced to sexual foreplay, but that is utterly depressing and I’d rather not believe it.  Surely we are more advanced than animals, as cute and as fluffy as they are? Surely?

Which gets me back to make-up again.  We have a wonderful gift in this day and age in that it is not necessary for us to go about dressed in dirty sheets and only washing at weekends.  We have the tools that allow us to be creative; not only in things like art and music, but with ourselves…we can make over our bodies and minds and we have the luxury of having time to do this; at least, the luckiest of us do.  Why throw all of that away for the sake of appearing insecure? Of course, when people have about 26 separate operations in order to make themselves look like a cat (which HAS been done) I am inclined to believe there is a line somewhere, but I would not try to define this line myself.

So when I walk past a group of men wearing a colourful minidress with my hair in curls because I want to look FABULOUS for the sake of looking fabulous, I don’t expect to be received with rudeness when I don’t thank them profusely for the whistling and cat-calls I hear.  Don’t get me wrong; compliments are great- it’s always nice to know that any effort I have put in has been observed, not necessarily because I want to impress anyone, but simply in virtue of me having put in an effort.  It’s very difficult, however, to react when you’re whistled at; usually I just smile weakly and carry on walking, but I have no idea what the men actually want me to say and do.  Once, as an experiment, I did the following:

This was proof to me that, at least sometimes, when girls are whistled at, it’s not for the benefit of the girl, but in order to look a certain way to other males.  It, surely, can't be about sex at all, because they must know it’s not particularly endearing to girls and can sometimes make them feel very uncomfortable.  One could argue that it all essentially boils down to sex because the men want to assert dominance in their ‘pack’ in order to attract the best women, but, again, this is a wee bit depressing.  These men seem affronted when a girl doesn’t accept the ‘compliment’ they have given, but if they DO accept the compliment, the men are utterly bemused.  It’s a great tip for confusing people, and I’d advise everyone to have a go.

Just in case I get accused of being sexist, let me tell you that I don’t enjoy women whistling or yelling at men, either, and would certain not partake in that kind of activity myself.  As a girl, my experiences will be restricted to having experiences that girls have, so my writing may seem a little biased at times. Whistling or cat-calling is not something positive, but something pretty negative in my opinion, and, rather than making me feel empowered, it generally makes me feel insecure, as if because I’ve managed to dress in a certain way, do my hair and maintain my weight, the people qualified to judge whether or not I have achieved this to a certain standard are congratulating me, assuring me of my worth as a human being, as if I didn’t know I had worth already.

The issue of girls wearing ‘sexually provocative’ clothing is a whole other kettle of fish; do girls ‘ask for it’ if they wear a low-cut top? I don’t think so.  Often, girls WILL wear low cut tops and short skirts to show themselves off to the opposite sex, as men might do with certain clothes as well to show off to women.  I’m not denying that at all.  What I object to is the notion that you can tell EXACTLY what a girl is thinking and what she wants by the clothes she is wearing.  We are much more complicated than that.  Besides, even if we DO wear clothes purely to attract the opposite sex, we're not necessarily saying that EVERY MAN/WOMAN WILL SUFFICE, we could just be saying- "hey; I may be looking to get lucky tonight, but not necessarily with YOU." Or alternatively, "I am poor and the only top I own has shrunk in the wash, and someone spilt orange juice on my skirt which is why I turned it up to make it shorter."  There could be a whole host of reasons.  Today, for example, even though the only person I talked to was somebody in McDonalds, I spent a large proportion of my afternoon walking around my room and sitting on my bed with the bottom of my jumper twisted and pulled through the neck (you know, like we used to always do at Primary school…) so as to reveal a healthy dosage of tummy to anyone looking.  Nobody, apart from a couple of my soft toys, noticed my fashion statement, and I couldn’t care less.  I did it for fun.  Sometimes people do things because they are fun, as unbelievable as that is.

The trouble with make-up and particularly extravagant clothes is that they appear to be some kind of mask; in the case of make-up, that is almost literal.  I admit that if I were to see a girl plastered in fake tan with massive false breasts I would be the first to assume that she ‘must have some kind of insecurity in order to do that to herself.’ The fact is, though, humans are ridiculous creatures and the reasons why we do what we do are a total mystery.  Perhaps the girl is incredibly insecure about her looks, or perhaps she wants to look that way because it’s fun.  Perhaps she fell into a vat of gravy and absorbed a pair of melons into her chest; we will never know.  I will endeavour not to judge people for the way they look, but this is a hard task when our minds naturally want to find similarities between people and perhaps notice patterns of human behaviour when there aren't any.  There doesn’t need to be a reason for me choosing to wear neon pink make-up and a wedding dress to McDonalds; if I want to do it, I jolly well will.

Probably the most racist post I'm ever going to write

Let me tell you a small tale.

A couple of years hence, I performed on a cruise ship for just over three weeks.  In those three weeks, I ate like some kind of Roman Emperor/pig hybrid; there were cheese-covered potatoes, more tuna and mayonaise than I'd ever seen in my life, an almost inexhaustible supply of 'Daim' bars, a huge cheese platter and creamy, chocolatey gateaux, and my sole exercise was stepping from side to side for a couple of hours every night while singing about walking on sunshine, getting my kicks on Route 66 and various other things. The rest of my time was spent sitting down or lying down when even sitting became too taxing.  In those three weeks, I lost three quarters of a stone.

Just before Christmas of this year, I was on my tour of Europe (which was almost entirely in Germany).  At the beginning of November, for six weeks, I went on a grueling health-kick.  I stopped eating chips and crisps, I did a 2-3 minute plank most days (2 planks on some days), I had no fizzy drinks and, most importantly, I was taking part in an incredibly physical show that sometimes involved about 5 hours of constant exercise a day.  In those six weeks, I PUT ON three quarters of a stone.

After racking my brains, (not too hard, to be honest, as I was already aware of the problem,) I realised that the only difference between my time on tour and my time on the cruise was BREAD.  On the cruise, I ate none of it; none at all.  In Germany, I am forced to eat about a loaf a day, because it is ALL THEY HAVE.
In many of our hotels, breakfast was typically a choice of 8 different kinds of bread and some cheese to go with them, accompanied by a single bowl of (sometimes mouldy) fruit, and maybe some yoghurt.  If we were lucky, there would be croissants.  In one hotel there was no buffet, and they just sat us down and brought us each a plate with three MASSIVE bread rolls with butter and jam to go with them.  We were mystified.  Now I'm slightly weird when it comes to breakfast as it is, but I like to have at least a small amount of choice.  This would be my perfect breakfast:

I mean, it's not perfectly healthy, but this would be my dream breakfast.  In Germany they usually have barely any of these components; one time they had baked beans.  I practically cried with joy when I saw them.  In any case, it's a damn sight better than a plate of nothing but BREAD.

I don't understand it, I really don't.  Germans are not fat; in fact, they are probably much healthier as a country than Britain is, but I don't get how they manage to stay slim with all the food available; I just had to walk a mile from my hotel to find some fresh fruit, and even then it was in a 'Lidl'.  On my way to the shop, I counted nineteen bakeries, and they were only the ones I could see- there were probably plenty more down side-streets.  In the same mile I spotted one 'to go' food establishment that was not a bakery.  It sold raw fish and meat, and also some sandwiches.  I suppose it must be easy to eat healthily if you actually live in Germany and can drive to supermarkets out of town, but that is no good for me, as I am not German, I haven't got a car, and I haven't passed my driving test.

I suppose it must be the stress of being on tour for so long making this seem worse than it is, but it actually makes me ANGRY.  When I walk past my fifth bakery in ten metres, I think to myself- why did you build this here? Was there a demand for it? Did you just think one day- "hey, you know what this town needs? ANOTHER bakery." I look in the inviting windows and see the effort that has gone into these lovingly-created bread products; the gentle sprinkling of cheese on the Käse brot, the colourfully painted doughnuts and the croissants covered in what I think are poppy-seeds, and it just makes me SO CROSS how they imagine themselves as providing such a good service to the public when the bakery two doors down is offering exactly the same stuff. I can imagine a board meeting:

The thing is, their logic works, because all of these bakeries were full of people! How many bakeries do people need?!? Are Germans actually 60% bread instead of 60% water and need it to survive? Why are they healthier than us? Is it purely exercise and lack of binge drinking? It makes me FURIOUS!!!!

To be fair, bread is not entirely bad;

 In fact, in moderation, wholegrain bread is a very good and healthy thing to eat.  However, it should only fill one quarter of our plates at mealtimes, not EVERY quarter of the plate, perhaps with a sausage squeezed in somewhere, which often seems to be the German way of thinking. 

As racist posts go, this one is pretty tame, but nonetheless I must stress that I'm sure the Germans have a much healthier overall lifestyle than I do and it is silly of me to get cross over something like this, plus if 'too much bread' is the worst thing about Germany, that makes it a pretty amazing country really, but when I have absolutely no control over almost every aspect of my life, e.g. what time I get up, what I wear, where I go, how I get there, the amount of sleep I get, whether I can wash my clothes or not, whether or not I can connect to the internet... the little things, like simply going into town to choose something to eat, become incredibly meaningful, and when I come across nothing but bread and bread-related products, it takes its toll on me, mentally and physically.  I want to be healthy.  I want to look after my body and treat myself well.  It's frustrating when something out of my control is preventing me from doing this.

At least we get to go to Switzerland next week.  With any luck, there will be nothing but chocolate there, and if I get fat, it will be absolutely worth it.

'King John's Christmas' by A. A. Milne

Guten tag! Ich heisse Singen Enten. Ich bin im Antwerp im Belgium mit mein freunden Puffin und Kleine grau Rabbit.  Mein noch freunden, kleine kleine hund und kleine kleine ente, sind im Reading im England mit Giraffe. Ich liebe deutsch trincken- Gluhwein ist sehr gut, ja? Ja.  I'm going to stop speaking in German now, but, as you can see, I am now fluent.

Merry Christmas! 

Due to idiocy (my own and John Lewis's) I did not have a computer over the Christmas period, but due to amazingness (my dad's and John Lewis's again) I now have a borrowed computer and can, once more, blog unto the interweb.  Unfortunately, the first entry I planned to write was supposed to come out before Christmas and not after, but I don't wish to wait a whole year to post it, so here it is:

while I was in Germany, I took it upon myself to make a recording of my favourite poem,  seeing as it was relevant to the time of year. (Even if it is, now, almost offensively Chriss-massy.)  As you can see, I am wearing my beautiful Bavarian dress- if you go to Bavaria and you are not wearing one of these dresses, you will look very stupid, especially if you're a man. 

Here is the poem- enjoy!

Dog names

There have been no posts from me recently; this is partly because all my days are just merging into one big van ride across Germany so there is very little to write about, and partly because I don't really have the energy to be funny at the moment due to said van rides across Germany and having to dance and shout stuff at hundreds of people every day.  The tour has been taking its toll on all of us- after a particularly busy day one of my colleagues had what seemed to be a complete mental breakdown at the sight of a closed Burger King restaurant, and I have been living off Tuc biscuits and Marzipan potatoes.

I thought I'd write a quick post to cheer myself up:

I find it utterly hilarious the way that some people talk to their dogs, as if they are fully rational agents that understand language and complex feelings like guilt and shame.  I also find it strangely amazing when people give their dogs really ordinary names that would usually be given to people.  I saw this in St. Andrews once:

I mean, there was no butterfly, but the rest is true.  It got me thinking what other names it would be amusing for dogs to have; whenever I'm a little bit sad I just picture these scenarios in my head:

  

Move, Swan! GET OUT THE WAY!!!!

Something terribly distressing happened to me yesterday.  It was a sunny, brisk Sunday morning, and our day involved taking a ferry across lake Konstanz, which is apparently the largest lake in Europe.  We parked the van on the ferry and went up on deck for a better view.  The lake was beautiful- because it was very cold it was shimmering in the sunlight, and it was nicely punctuated with various waterfowl.  Two swans in particular took our eye; they were swimming lazily in front of us, the ferry heading gradually towards them.

One swan saw the boat and moved well away, but the other one didn’t seem to.  All of us on the boat were laughing, wondering when the swan was going to turn around and see the massive boat come towards it, but as we got faster and faster, we started to truly fear for the swan’s life.  Closer and closer we got, and the second swan was still none the wiser.  There were various shouts of ‘get out of the way!’ coming from onboard, and, seeing as I was one of the only 5 English people on the ferry, it was safe to assume that all of these shouts were coming from me.

When the ferry was about 2 metres away from hitting the swan, the people on the boat were in a state of panic. (at least in my mind.) It was made all the more tragic by the fact that, at the last moment, the swan realised it was about to be hit and paddled hopelessly to get out of the way.  The ferry went over the swan, which subsequently disappeared.

Our first reaction was laughter- the stakes were so high that such an anti-climactic ending seemed very silly.  I then started to worry for the swan.  There was talk of it getting away, but others seemed certain of its demise.

One of my fellow actors said to me- “I’m SURE it’s safe.” But then we imagined that it would be funny if we were to go back on the boat later and say that while we saw a dead swan being dragged out of the water.

 

We shall never know if the swan lived.  I like to think that it survived the ordeal and had a great story to tell when it went home to its family.

How to get out of the Friendzone in 1,000,000 easy steps!

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on something called the “Friendzone.” This is a very serious disease that has affected every man in the world at some point, and definitely no women at all.  Seeing as the articles I have been reading are so incredibly well-constructed and well-rounded, I am including direct quotes from them for your convenience.  I am also aware that these views are definitely held by every man in the world and that all men would wish to be associated with them.    

“For most guys, getting out of the friend zone usually means that you had a chance at the beginning, but then somehow, some way, for some reason or the other, YOU BLEW IT. You took a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the dreaded friend zone.”

“A guy can innocently befriend a girl, could realize after the expiration of the new-acquaintence validation period that he wants to date her, but could then find that, due to his delay, he is locked into a thousand years of being digested by friendship, shopping, and talking about her boyfriend…After much trial and error, I figured out how to prevent it, how to identify it, and how to deal with it once it’s taken root.”

“Attraction has an expiration date. There’s a time frame in which things need to get romantic and sexual… otherwise they probably never will. And that escalation window is open from about the third hour you spend with her, all the way up to about the 20th.”

And not a second later.

You see, men, once you are friends with a girl, there is no going back. (…or IS there?) You have to recognise that, as a man, it is completely your fault if you fail to enter into a sexual relationship with a woman.  You, as a man, have 100% of the responsibility and are therefore to blame if nothing happens.  There is a way to get every single woman in the world into bed with you (maybe not all at once) but because you are an idiot, you failed at this.  This makes you pretty worthless in the eyes of everyone and you probably shouldn’t be a man at all.

“Most women can get sex anywhere, any time and any way they want it.”

This is very true; the following incidents alone have happened to me in the last 24 hours:

“The problem for us guys is that women don’t want sex anywhere, any time and any way we want it. For women, sex comes bundled up with an onslaught of dizzying and complicated emotions. The result? It’s infinitely easier for women to place men into the category of “friends” rather than admit them as lovers.”

This is the reason that women never have sex with their male friends.

“When a man likes a woman, he naturally wants to express his feelings between the sheets. This is natural.  Unfortunately, the female brain can’t process this logic.”

“When it comes to romance and sex, women just don’t get it. But that’s what we’re stuck with so we have to make the best of it.”

“But if she likes me so much… then WHY does she want to be just friends?

Ah, female logic! Einstein has been quoted as saying that he can unravel many of the universe’s greatest mysteries… but he still doesn’t understand women.”

If Albert Einstein whimsically quoted something, we know that it must be absolutely true.  Men and women, as you probably know, have profound neurological differences which can make communication between them almost impossible.  Don’t be fooled by this article: 

http://health.howstuffworks.com/human-body/systems/nervous-system/men-women-different-brains1.htm, 

and definitely don’t read this one:

http://www.sensiblemarks.info/malelogic.html. 

It is not at all the case that women and men can be influenced by the outside world into communicating in a certain way and into adopting roles typical to their gender.  Women and men don’t just have slight neurological differences that cause them to approach the same problem a little differently but come up with similar results; the fact is that women and men actually have completely different logical systems:

This is why you don’t get any female doctors, scientists or mathematicians, and why you hardly ever come across male authors, artists or linguists.  Here is the proof that females cannot use logic.

1.   Male logic is correct

2.   Male logic dictates that sex and relationships should be undertaken in a particular way.

3.   Female logic dictates that sex and relationships should be undertaken in a different way.
4. There is only one correct way to undertake a sexual relationship.

5.   Female logic is incorrect

But, as quoted above, men have to accept that women are illogical, irrational creatures and just deal with it as best they can.  Think how difficult it must be for a woman, always being at the mercy of her hormones and emotions, and simply pity her for not being a man and never crying or getting angry or anything. It’s a pain to deal with women and to cajole them into a relationship once you are friends, but it is certainly doable:

“Can you think of a girl that you really like, but who’s really not your type? You might even think she would make the PERFECT girlfriend, but you just don’t FEEL it.  Women are the same way… so MAKE her feel it!”

 

It is most definitely possible to create a burning sexual and romantic passion when there is absolutely no sexual or romantic chemistry; the only sure-fire way to guarantee that a woman will have sex with you is by acquiring as much money as you can:

“Unfortunately, when it comes to choosing men for sex, the No. 1 priority for a lot of women is money. If you don’t have it (or enough of it), odds are you’ll be immediately dumped into the friend zone.”

It is a mathematical fact that the most important thing for women in a relationship is that the man has money.  Here’s a graph that I drew based on EVERYTHING:

It’s certainly not the case that women are ever attracted to other qualities in men that often appear with money; men with natural confidence, charisma, personal hygiene, well-kept appearances and gregariousness hardly ever manage to get well-paid jobs; usually they go to the smelly, scruffy, insecure men who hate the world and everyone in it.

“Once a woman has relegated you to the "friend zone,” it’s all but impossible for her to see you in any other way. Of course, she’ll still expect you to act like the lovers she’s currently sex-ploiting -- by forcing you to pay for her meals and cart her around like a chauffeur -- but without the fringe benefit of getting laid.”

Because a woman knows that every man will automatically want to have sex with her, she will always use this to her gain.  It is not the case that she will sometimes unconsciously use her appearance to get what she wants due to 1000s of years of being brainwashed into believing that her appearance is the only way to achieve anything as a woman.  That is not the case at all.  It is a fact that all women know they hold all the sexual power in their hands and they will all use it for nefarious and malicious purposes.  This is why no woman ever has to pay for anything, and why you never see any homeless women, or women who are struggling to make ends meet with a low-paying job.  If you pay for all of a woman's things expecting to get sex in return and she knows that you have feelings for her and lets you do this, the solution is to carry on doing it forever but complain about it at the same time.  Stopping paying for everything because this girl is clearly a cockface is absolutely not an option here.

“Many guys fantasise that, by acting as a hot girl’s friend or romantic counsellor, they can “backdoor it” into her heart or her bed. This may work well in romantic comedies (or possibly with psychotic women), but in real life, you’re just kidding yourself. You’re a friend, and she doesn‘t need you for sex.”

Romantic feelings between people never arise out of being kind and considerate to one another.  It simply doesn't happen.  It's not happened to almost everyone I know.

Because of the previously discussed communication difficulties between men and women, it is impossible for two adults of different sexes to sit down and have a mature discussion about their feelings.  Conversely, homosexual relationships have a 100% success rate.

“You finally work up the courage to ask her out and she tells you: “I don’t want to jeopardise our friendship,” “I like you too much to go out with you,” “I don’t want to risk losing what we have,” and so on.”

Bitch.

“She has relegated you to friend status because you’re way too nice, too accommodating and too arse-kissing. She knows she can have you just by snapping her fingers. You follow her around like a moon-eyed puppy dog. You try to impress her. You think you can buy her attention with flowers, gifts and expensive meals. You are a wuss and she can’t wait to castrate you and make you her best girlfriend who’ll look after her pets while she goes running off for the weekend with a tattooed biker.”

“She’s been abused or brutalised by the bad boys she’s voluntarily chosen to date (and she blames her bad choices on the men themselves, of course), so now she can’t even begin to establish a normal relationship with a normal guy.”

When girls decide on potential boyfriends, they never look for someone who is kind, polite, articulate and who will treat them well, they always, completely consciously and intentionally, pick the very worst man in the world for them, purely because of female logic.  Men never do this of course, and always go after the women who are most definitely best-suited to them, looks and personality-wise.  Not only this, but girls will find any way they can to cut off nice men’s penises because they hate men and their penises.  The reason for the girl over-looking these nice men is entirely down to the girl being an inconsiderate shallow slut and not at all because of the man’s insecurity or any other shortfall he might have.  When a girl voluntarily enters into an abusive relationship (because girls really like being hit and stuff) she deserves everything she gets.  It’s certainly not true that men can lure a girl into his lair and gradually find ways of reducing her confidence and removing her from her friends and family; the girl is fully conscious of what she is getting into and any violence towards her is probably well-founded.  The most important thing for everyone of both sexes to remember (because apparently men can be lured into abusive relationships too) is that when one person treats you badly, the answer is to blame the entire sex as a whole for your bad experience.   This kind of generalising behaviour is incredibly constructive and doesn't in any way start a vicious circle of stereotyping.

“Start dating other women…In other words, make her jealous. If she has any sexual interest in you at all, this will drive her crazy…She isn’t stupid …she’s known all along that you want to jump her bones, so if you reject her sexually, she won’t be able to stand it…she’ll react a lot differently around you if she thinks you could leave her at any time for another pretty face.”

The only girl that matters here of course is the girl you, as a man, are fixated on.  Any girls that are used tactically in order to make other girls feel jealous need to understand that their part to play in this web of lies was totally necessary, and that their feelings are not particularly important.  However it is vital for these un-important girls to give up on men completely and accuse them all of lying and manipulation, as this will really improve their situation and make them a lot happier.

“Start with playful compliments until you can eventually move on to flirting that’s more sexual in nature. If I notice that she put on some perfume, my favorite line is, “You cannot wear that perfume around me any more, because I’m afraid that one of these days I won’t be able to hold control myself and do something BAD.”

As we have already alluded to, women are very attracted to men who essentially threaten them with rape using excellently constructed sentences.

“There is no way in hell that she is going to be making the first move, but she will be giving you hints that it’s okay to do something now.”

Women don’t ever make the first move.  That would make them men, and make their potential boyfriends gay.  Whenever girls DO make the first move, this is always completely and totally accepted by the man and they never make her feel embarrassed or desperate for doing so.

“She is the flower… you are the bee. Don’t expect the flower to walk right up to you hive.”

A valid sociological and biological point.

“It took me many years and even more heartbreaks to finally figure it out, but this very process has worked MIRACULOUSLY for me every single time I have applied it.”

It’s amazing how the writer has managed to have multiple successful relationships as a result of his research that haven’t ended for any reason.

“Don't forget to be grateful and reward your friend when they behave as you desire. After they are good to you, remember to be good to them back. Being attentive and affectionate, only when they do what you like, encourages them to continue those behaviors. Also, ignoring them when they behave badly helps to reduce unwanted behaviors”

This is good advice for any situation- people like to be treated like dogs.  Because women are illogical and irrational they will never catch on to the fact that they have been manipulated into a relationship and it will undoubtedly be a complete success.  Men probably will catch on because they are more logical, but they probably won’t mind if there is sex involved, as men only care about sex in a relationship and never look for companionship, kindness, shared interests and similar life-goals.

“What’s more - it’s even very possible for a woman to have a fling with a man she doesn’t like AT ALL… based SOLELY upon the fact that he knows how to attract women, and without ANY “liking” whatsoever.

Sometimes women can even get EXTREMELY attracted to men that make them ANGRY.”

This is because women enjoy being unhappy.  It’s definitely not because feelings of anger and passion tend to come from a similar place.

“Maybe you’re willing to lavish the girl with attention indefinitely despite little expectation of an actual mutually exclusive two-way-street type relationship with a future.”

This is what being friends with a girl entails.  Because men and women are completely different and never share the same interests, friendships between men and women can only be productive for a man if he is having sex.  It’s only fair. 

“So when you meet a girl, don’t hold back. Make your move, Casanova… and make it early.  What do you have to lose… a friendship? If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll probably have to admit that starting a new friendship wasn’t your intention when you approached her.”

With that attitude I’m surprised he’s not up to his teeth in naked girls.

To sum up, the best way to get out of the friendzone is to understand that human beings are completely predictable and there are solid mathematical formulae in place for getting precisely what you want out of them.  Once you understand these formulae, you can use these to lie, cheat and manipulate every romantic and sexual situation to your advantage.  Because this post has been mostly advice for men, I don’t want the ladies to feel left out; why not try using your emotional, irrational side to your advantage? How about trapping a man in a loveless relationship by bursting into tears at any threat of a split? How about accusing him of rape and turning all of his friends against him? That one’s also a winner.  Whatever you do, never try and approach a romantic situation with maturity and honesty; that never works; and if the object of your affection is not interested, be sure to stick around and allow your feelings for them to turn into an unrelenting whirlpool of bitterness and hatred.  Finally, make sure to never, never attempt to rid yourself of your victim status; that is the only way to guarantee that you’ll never be hurt by anyone ever again.