Saturday, 8 December 2012

Dog names

There have been no posts from me recently; this is partly because all my days are just merging into one big van ride across Germany so there is very little to write about, and partly because I don't really have the energy to be funny at the moment due to said van rides across Germany and having to dance and shout stuff at hundreds of people every day.  The tour has been taking its toll on all of us- after a particularly busy day one of my colleagues had what seemed to be a complete mental breakdown at the sight of a closed Burger King restaurant, and I have been living off Tuc biscuits and Marzipan potatoes.

I thought I'd write a quick post to cheer myself up:

I find it utterly hilarious the way that some people talk to their dogs, as if they are fully rational agents that understand language and complex feelings like guilt and shame.  I also find it strangely amazing when people give their dogs really ordinary names that would usually be given to people.  I saw this in St. Andrews once:


I mean, there was no butterfly, but the rest is true.  It got me thinking what other names it would be amusing for dogs to have; whenever I'm a little bit sad I just picture these scenarios in my head:






  

Monday, 26 November 2012

Move, Swan! GET OUT THE WAY!!!!


Something terribly distressing happened to me yesterday.  It was a sunny, brisk Sunday morning, and our day involved taking a ferry across lake Konstanz, which is apparently the largest lake in Europe.  We parked the van on the ferry and went up on deck for a better view.  The lake was beautiful- because it was very cold it was shimmering in the sunlight, and it was nicely punctuated with various waterfowl.  Two swans in particular took our eye; they were swimming lazily in front of us, the ferry heading gradually towards them.

One swan saw the boat and moved well away, but the other one didn’t seem to.  All of us on the boat were laughing, wondering when the swan was going to turn around and see the massive boat come towards it, but as we got faster and faster, we started to truly fear for the swan’s life.  Closer and closer we got, and the second swan was still none the wiser.  There were various shouts of ‘get out of the way!’ coming from onboard, and, seeing as I was one of the only 5 English people on the ferry, it was safe to assume that all of these shouts were coming from me.

When the ferry was about 2 metres away from hitting the swan, the people on the boat were in a state of panic. (at least in my mind.) It was made all the more tragic by the fact that, at the last moment, the swan realised it was about to be hit and paddled hopelessly to get out of the way.  The ferry went over the swan, which subsequently disappeared.

Our first reaction was laughter- the stakes were so high that such an anti-climactic ending seemed very silly.  I then started to worry for the swan.  There was talk of it getting away, but others seemed certain of its demise.

One of my fellow actors said to me- “I’m SURE it’s safe.” But then we imagined that it would be funny if we were to go back on the boat later and say that while we saw a dead swan being dragged out of the water.
 
We shall never know if the swan lived.  I like to think that it survived the ordeal and had a great story to tell when it went home to its family.


Friday, 23 November 2012

How to get out of the Friendzone in 1,000,000 easy steps!


I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on something called the “Friendzone.” This is a very serious disease that has affected every man in the world at some point, and definitely no women at all.  Seeing as the articles I have been reading are so incredibly well-constructed and well-rounded, I am including direct quotes from them for your convenience.  I am also aware that these views are definitely held by every man in the world and that all men would wish to be associated with them.    

“For most guys, getting out of the friend zone usually means that you had a chance at the beginning, but then somehow, some way, for some reason or the other, YOU BLEW IT. You took a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the dreaded friend zone.”

“A guy can innocently befriend a girl, could realize after the expiration of the new-acquaintence validation period that he wants to date her, but could then find that, due to his delay, he is locked into a thousand years of being digested by friendship, shopping, and talking about her boyfriend…After much trial and error, I figured out how to prevent it, how to identify it, and how to deal with it once it’s taken root.”

Attraction has an expiration date. There’s a time frame in which things need to get romantic and sexual… otherwise they probably never will. And that escalation window is open from about the third hour you spend with her, all the way up to about the 20th.”

And not a second later.

You see, men, once you are friends with a girl, there is no going back. (…or IS there?) You have to recognise that, as a man, it is completely your fault if you fail to enter into a sexual relationship with a woman.  You, as a man, have 100% of the responsibility and are therefore to blame if nothing happens.  There is a way to get every single woman in the world into bed with you (maybe not all at once) but because you are an idiot, you failed at this.  This makes you pretty worthless in the eyes of everyone and you probably shouldn’t be a man at all.

“Most women can get sex anywhere, any time and any way they want it.”

This is very true; the following incidents alone have happened to me in the last 24 hours:







“The problem for us guys is that women don’t want sex anywhere, any time and any way we want it. For women, sex comes bundled up with an onslaught of dizzying and complicated emotions. The result? It’s infinitely easier for women to place men into the category of “friends” rather than admit them as lovers.”

This is the reason that women never have sex with their male friends.

“When a man likes a woman, he naturally wants to express his feelings between the sheets. This is natural.  Unfortunately, the female brain can’t process this logic.”

“When it comes to romance and sex, women just don’t get it. But that’s what we’re stuck with so we have to make the best of it.”

“But if she likes me so much… then WHY does she want to be just friends?
Ah, female logic! Einstein has been quoted as saying that he can unravel many of the universe’s greatest mysteries… but he still doesn’t understand women.”

If Albert Einstein whimsically quoted something, we know that it must be absolutely true.  Men and women, as you probably know, have profound neurological differences which can make communication between them almost impossible.  Don’t be fooled by this article: 


and definitely don’t read this one:


It is not at all the case that women and men can be influenced by the outside world into communicating in a certain way and into adopting roles typical to their gender.  Women and men don’t just have slight neurological differences that cause them to approach the same problem a little differently but come up with similar results; the fact is that women and men actually have completely different logical systems:



This is why you don’t get any female doctors, scientists or mathematicians, and why you hardly ever come across male authors, artists or linguists.  Here is the proof that females cannot use logic.

1.   Male logic is correct
2.   Male logic dictates that sex and relationships should be undertaken in a particular way.
3.   Female logic dictates that sex and relationships should be undertaken in a different way.
4. There is only one correct way to undertake a sexual relationship.
5.   Female logic is incorrect

But, as quoted above, men have to accept that women are illogical, irrational creatures and just deal with it as best they can.  Think how difficult it must be for a woman, always being at the mercy of her hormones and emotions, and simply pity her for not being a man and never crying or getting angry or anything. It’s a pain to deal with women and to cajole them into a relationship once you are friends, but it is certainly doable:

“Can you think of a girl that you really like, but who’s really not your type? You might even think she would make the PERFECT girlfriend, but you just don’t FEEL it.  Women are the same way… so MAKE her feel it!”
 
It is most definitely possible to create a burning sexual and romantic passion when there is absolutely no sexual or romantic chemistry; the only sure-fire way to guarantee that a woman will have sex with you is by acquiring as much money as you can:

“Unfortunately, when it comes to choosing men for sex, the No. 1 priority for a lot of women is money. If you don’t have it (or enough of it), odds are you’ll be immediately dumped into the friend zone.”

It is a mathematical fact that the most important thing for women in a relationship is that the man has money.  Here’s a graph that I drew based on EVERYTHING:



It’s certainly not the case that women are ever attracted to other qualities in men that often appear with money; men with natural confidence, charisma, personal hygiene, well-kept appearances and gregariousness hardly ever manage to get well-paid jobs; usually they go to the smelly, scruffy, insecure men who hate the world and everyone in it.

“Once a woman has relegated you to the "friend zone,” it’s all but impossible for her to see you in any other way. Of course, she’ll still expect you to act like the lovers she’s currently sex-ploiting -- by forcing you to pay for her meals and cart her around like a chauffeur -- but without the fringe benefit of getting laid.”

Because a woman knows that every man will automatically want to have sex with her, she will always use this to her gain.  It is not the case that she will sometimes unconsciously use her appearance to get what she wants due to 1000s of years of being brainwashed into believing that her appearance is the only way to achieve anything as a woman.  That is not the case at all.  It is a fact that all women know they hold all the sexual power in their hands and they will all use it for nefarious and malicious purposes.  This is why no woman ever has to pay for anything, and why you never see any homeless women, or women who are struggling to make ends meet with a low-paying job.  If you pay for all of a woman's things expecting to get sex in return and she knows that you have feelings for her and lets you do this, the solution is to carry on doing it forever but complain about it at the same time.  Stopping paying for everything because this girl is clearly a cockface is absolutely not an option here.

“Many guys fantasise that, by acting as a hot girl’s friend or romantic counsellor, they can “backdoor it” into her heart or her bed. This may work well in romantic comedies (or possibly with psychotic women), but in real life, you’re just kidding yourself. You’re a friend, and she doesn‘t need you for sex.”

Romantic feelings between people never arise out of being kind and considerate to one another.  It simply doesn't happen.  It's not happened to almost everyone I know.




Because of the previously discussed communication difficulties between men and women, it is impossible for two adults of different sexes to sit down and have a mature discussion about their feelings.  Conversely, homosexual relationships have a 100% success rate.

“You finally work up the courage to ask her out and she tells you: “I don’t want to jeopardise our friendship,” “I like you too much to go out with you,” “I don’t want to risk losing what we have,” and so on.”

Bitch.

“She has relegated you to friend status because you’re way too nice, too accommodating and too arse-kissing. She knows she can have you just by snapping her fingers. You follow her around like a moon-eyed puppy dog. You try to impress her. You think you can buy her attention with flowers, gifts and expensive meals. You are a wuss and she can’t wait to castrate you and make you her best girlfriend who’ll look after her pets while she goes running off for the weekend with a tattooed biker.”

“She’s been abused or brutalised by the bad boys she’s voluntarily chosen to date (and she blames her bad choices on the men themselves, of course), so now she can’t even begin to establish a normal relationship with a normal guy.

When girls decide on potential boyfriends, they never look for someone who is kind, polite, articulate and who will treat them well, they always, completely consciously and intentionally, pick the very worst man in the world for them, purely because of female logic.  Men never do this of course, and always go after the women who are most definitely best-suited to them, looks and personality-wise.  Not only this, but girls will find any way they can to cut off nice men’s penises because they hate men and their penises.  The reason for the girl over-looking these nice men is entirely down to the girl being an inconsiderate shallow slut and not at all because of the man’s insecurity or any other shortfall he might have.  When a girl voluntarily enters into an abusive relationship (because girls really like being hit and stuff) she deserves everything she gets.  It’s certainly not true that men can lure a girl into his lair and gradually find ways of reducing her confidence and removing her from her friends and family; the girl is fully conscious of what she is getting into and any violence towards her is probably well-founded.  The most important thing for everyone of both sexes to remember (because apparently men can be lured into abusive relationships too) is that when one person treats you badly, the answer is to blame the entire sex as a whole for your bad experience.   This kind of generalising behaviour is incredibly constructive and doesn't in any way start a vicious circle of stereotyping.

“Start dating other women…In other words, make her jealous. If she has any sexual interest in you at all, this will drive her crazy…She isn’t stupid …she’s known all along that you want to jump her bones, so if you reject her sexually, she won’t be able to stand it…she’ll react a lot differently around you if she thinks you could leave her at any time for another pretty face.”

The only girl that matters here of course is the girl you, as a man, are fixated on.  Any girls that are used tactically in order to make other girls feel jealous need to understand that their part to play in this web of lies was totally necessary, and that their feelings are not particularly important.  However it is vital for these un-important girls to give up on men completely and accuse them all of lying and manipulation, as this will really improve their situation and make them a lot happier.

“Start with playful compliments until you can eventually move on to flirting that’s more sexual in nature. If I notice that she put on some perfume, my favorite line is, “You cannot wear that perfume around me any more, because I’m afraid that one of these days I won’t be able to hold control myself and do something BAD.”

As we have already alluded to, women are very attracted to men who essentially threaten them with rape using excellently constructed sentences.

“There is no way in hell that she is going to be making the first move, but she will be giving you hints that it’s okay to do something now.”

Women don’t ever make the first move.  That would make them men, and make their potential boyfriends gay.  Whenever girls DO make the first move, this is always completely and totally accepted by the man and they never make her feel embarrassed or desperate for doing so.

“She is the flower… you are the bee. Don’t expect the flower to walk right up to you hive.”

A valid sociological and biological point.

“It took me many years and even more heartbreaks to finally figure it out, but this very process has worked MIRACULOUSLY for me every single time I have applied it.”

It’s amazing how the writer has managed to have multiple successful relationships as a result of his research that haven’t ended for any reason.

“Don't forget to be grateful and reward your friend when they behave as you desire. After they are good to you, remember to be good to them back. Being attentive and affectionate, only when they do what you like, encourages them to continue those behaviors. Also, ignoring them when they behave badly helps to reduce unwanted behaviors”

This is good advice for any situation- people like to be treated like dogs.  Because women are illogical and irrational they will never catch on to the fact that they have been manipulated into a relationship and it will undoubtedly be a complete success.  Men probably will catch on because they are more logical, but they probably won’t mind if there is sex involved, as men only care about sex in a relationship and never look for companionship, kindness, shared interests and similar life-goals.

“What’s more - it’s even very possible for a woman to have a fling with a man she doesn’t like AT ALL… based SOLELY upon the fact that he knows how to attract women, and without ANY “liking” whatsoever.
Sometimes women can even get EXTREMELY attracted to men that make them ANGRY.”

This is because women enjoy being unhappy.  It’s definitely not because feelings of anger and passion tend to come from a similar place.

“Maybe you’re willing to lavish the girl with attention indefinitely despite little expectation of an actual mutually exclusive two-way-street type relationship with a future.”

This is what being friends with a girl entails.  Because men and women are completely different and never share the same interests, friendships between men and women can only be productive for a man if he is having sex.  It’s only fair. 

“So when you meet a girl, don’t hold back. Make your move, Casanova… and make it early.  What do you have to lose… a friendship? If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll probably have to admit that starting a new friendship wasn’t your intention when you approached her.”

With that attitude I’m surprised he’s not up to his teeth in naked girls.

To sum up, the best way to get out of the friendzone is to understand that human beings are completely predictable and there are solid mathematical formulae in place for getting precisely what you want out of them.  Once you understand these formulae, you can use these to lie, cheat and manipulate every romantic and sexual situation to your advantage.  Because this post has been mostly advice for men, I don’t want the ladies to feel left out; why not try using your emotional, irrational side to your advantage? How about trapping a man in a loveless relationship by bursting into tears at any threat of a split? How about accusing him of rape and turning all of his friends against him? That one’s also a winner.  Whatever you do, never try and approach a romantic situation with maturity and honesty; that never works; and if the object of your affection is not interested, be sure to stick around and allow your feelings for them to turn into an unrelenting whirlpool of bitterness and hatred.  Finally, make sure to never, never attempt to rid yourself of your victim status; that is the only way to guarantee that you’ll never be hurt by anyone ever again.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

I don't hate God, I just hate IDIOTS


A lot of people don’t understand what atheism is, and it irks me.

What Atheism is NOT:







Surprisingly (apparently), Atheism is also not necessarily “denying God’s existence;” very few atheists actually do this, however I get accused on a daily basis of claiming that, as an atheist, I could prove that God does not exist, or that I hate God and all people of all religions.  If this were the case, I would probably be dead, and I have no desire to be dead.

First of all, Atheism is not, technically, a religion, but the absence of one.  I don’t follow football but I’ve got a few friends that do; one of them supports Derby, and another supports Tottenham Hotspur, to give two examples.  If someone were to ask me, “What team do you support?” I would not answer- “I support a non-existent football team” even if that answer might be logically sound; I would answer “I do not follow football.”  In the same way, atheism is not a religion because it doesn’t describe the belief of anything in particular; by its very definition, it is the absence of a particular belief; the belief that there exists a God.

Someone once said to me; “How can you be an atheist if you’ve never read the Bible from cover to cover? How can you be so sure that you hold a view when you’ve not completely researched the opposing one?”

Now, being an R.E. tutor, I've probably read more of the Bible than most Christians, but this is beside the point and displays a misunderstanding about what atheism is.  It's simply about not holding a certain belief, rather than learning about a particular religion then rejecting it.  If that were the case then I’d have to research every other view before I decided on my own, which would be utterly ridiculous; having to examine to death the possibility that rabbits may secretly be plotting to take over the world and consume us all with mind-altering laser beams and machetes (which is no more or less likely than the existence of a God in my opinion.) would be, quite frankly, exhausting, and probably not very much fun.  I do not need to know everything about Christianity, Islam or Judaism to know that I don't believe in God.  It's not a decision based on any argument, which is why I would never dream of trying to convince anyone of God's non-existence, but something I feel that I was born with.



I am what is called an agnostic atheist, which means that while I accept that God’s existence is a possibility (in that it cannot be disproved, much like flying spaghetti monsters and rabbits with laser beams where their eyes should be,) I do not believe that God exists.  This is a very common position to hold, but you wouldn’t know that from the amount of people that completely misunderstand it.  In contrast, “strong” or “positive” atheism is the position that denies God’s existence and asserts that he definitely does NOT exist.  There are numerous other positions which come under the umbrella of Atheism, like “theological non-cognitivism;”



And Implicit atheism:



In conclusion, I quite like the idea of a God, and wouldn’t mind going for some ice cream with him one day, but my mind has chosen not to believe in him, and this is something I have no control over, much like my wonky eyebrows which I was apparently born with and which no amount of tweezing seems to correct.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

A Most Unselfish Act

I had a sudden moment of craziness today and decided to film myself doing a post instead of writing one, thinking it’d be quicker.  In fact, the logistics of doing it were, quite frankly, nightmareish and it took me a total of four and a half hours to get this video up, but now that I’ve worked out the procedure, I should be able to do it quicker next time. 

This video is a response to all those IDIOTS who say that there is no such thing as an ‘unselfish act.’  

IN YOUR METAPHORICAL FACES:





Am I better on film, or did I ruin the magic? Please be brutal.


Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Girls who hate girls


This post is not about how I don’t like girls, it is about how I don’t understand why most girls I know don’t seem to like other girls, or how they think that other girls don’t like them which leads them to not like girls, so for this post to be about me not liking girls would be grossly hypocritical.  I hope I’m making myself clear.

This is not something I come across rarely; in fact, most of my good female friends seem to be of this opinion:





My reaction is almost universal:







It seems to me that if you are a girl who, secretly or openly, believes that other girls have some kind of vendetta against you, the reason for this vendetta is because you, secretly or openly, believe that other girls have some kind of vendetta against you.  The worst part is that guys have got hold of this as well and use it against girls, saying that male friendships are SO MUCH BETTER because they’re free of bitchiness and back-stabbing, and that they pity girls for being so dreadful to each other.  For some girls, this is the very reason they choose not to associate themselves with other girls, as they do not wish to be tarred with that brush.  I’ve got news for them, though; YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!!! If you are so great, why don’t you put your efforts into giving girls a good name rather than forsaking 51% of the world? Here’s another piece of news: boys can be just as bitchy as girls, and, generally speaking, there are an equal number of teasers, idiots, good souls and arseholes in both sexes. 

I would actually go the other way.  While I love men and spend a lot of time with them, I actually PREFER female friendships.  This is why:

1.   Girls have boobs
To be fair, I am a little bit of a lesbian, but boobs are objectively just great.

2.   Affection
Okay, the first one was kind of a joke; I’m certainly not implying that I’m friends with people ONLY if they have boobs. (Not in every case at least.)  Anyway… most boys seem to have a big fly in their ointment about physical affection, and seem determined to resist it with every fibre of their being.  I LIKE hugs.  I enjoy snuggles, but if I try and snuggle with a boy they look at me like I’m an absolute nutcase.  Unless, of course, they fancy me, then it’s okay, but then I CAN’T snuggle as I’d be putting them in the “friendzone” or leading them on or something.  Boys, of course, cannot snuggle with each other either, as it’s ‘gay’ apparently, but the great thing about girls is that you can have as many snuggles as you want, and these snuggles have BOOBS in them. 

3.   Weddings and Babies
Girls don’t sprint a million miles in the other direction when you want to talk about this kind of stuff.  You see, girls understand that when we want to plan our weddings, it’s not that we’re crazy desperate psychos that are insistent on entrapping a man in our web of kittens and babies (I almost drew a picture of this but it was too disturbing even for me so I stopped) But are simply excited about what we are brainwashed into believing will be the best day of our lives.  Of course, we know it’ll be a horrendous anti-climax and we’ll probably end up crying and choking on our own vomit, but planning is HALF THE FUN.  

4.   Giggling
I have only known one or two men that giggle as much as girls do, and it is one of life’s greatest pleasures.  The majority of boys don’t seem to understand that something can just be very funny, and for no reason at all, like this postcard that I bought in Hamburg the other day:



It's as if the photographer was attempting to take a picture of the boat and these three swans just loomed into view, popping their heads up and saying- "HELLO" just as he was taking the photo.  Ha!

Perhaps it was a coincidence that the girl I was with found it just as funny as I did (perhaps not quite as funny) and the boys looked curiously at me as if I had just spent €1 on a poo, but looking back on most of my funniest moments in my life, they were almost always shared with girls and not boys.  Having said that, I love toilet humour, and not many girls do, so the boys get a small tick in that respect.

5.   Openness
It is impossible to be open with the majority of boys.  If I want to talk about a horrible period or a particularly disappointing poo, boys are not interested, even if it is, in fact, a very interesting story.  Boys seem to be under the impression that girls don’t poo or fart, which is a great shame, as farting can be a big part of any successful relationship.  I actually just did one right now.  (Truly!) I’m not asking boys to find me attractive; I already have one Foofy, thank you, I do not need another one at the moment.  Why is it that all girls, even those who are not potential conquests, need to fulfil the expectations in boys’ eyes of girls as delightful, clean, non-pooing creatures that never have any problems or pain in their lower region? To be fair to boys, I do talk about this kind of stuff A LOT, so I may not be the best judge here.  I do, however, know a girl who went out with a guy for two years, and, in those two years, she never ONCE did a poo in his bathroom, even suffering quite severe pain in order to achieve this.  When I re-told this story to a lot of my girl (and boy) friends, they nodded as if this made sense. 

WHAT?!? I’m sorry, but if you have to LEAVE THE HOUSE to do a poo, LIKE A DOG, that’s not a successful relationship in my opinion.  And any boys that condone this kind of behaviour? SHAME ON YOU.  I’m not saying you should congratulate each other on particularly amazing poos like Foofy and I do, but SERIOUSLY, there must be a comfortable middle ground somewhere.

ANYWAY, my point is that I prefer to be around people that I know I can vent my womanly problems with, and very few boys put up with that.

6.   Chatting
Boys don’t seem to enjoy just ‘chatting.’ Sometimes I want to have a conversation where both people just speak LOADSANDLOADSANDLOADS without really saying anything important.  When I’ve tried to have this kind of conversation with most boys they tend to over-analyse stuff I’ve just said in passing.  This is a great skill to have in an intellectual debate, but sometimes I just want to talk about how fit David Cameron is (Weird taste, right? Ed Milliband is fitter though, so I know who I’m voting for…) without getting into an in-depth discussion about his evil and malicious policies.  Generally, only girls have developed this art of senseless nattering which I often enjoy.  This point, interestingly, is the only one on the list that Foofy still doesn’t quite get, but one can’t have everything.

7.   Boys don’t often let me give them make overs.

8.   Dancing
Generally when I’m on one of my rare nights out, boys are too cool to dance with me, but girls are usually always up for a showcase of my favourite moves:




Or, my personal favourite:




I think the reason a lot of girls don’t tend to like girls is because they feel insecure about themselves as a woman. There is nothing wrong with having these feelings! Here are some of the things that I feel insecure about:



When we’re bogged down in our own insecurities, we tend to look at the pretty, talented, popular girls, and feel this huge wave of hate towards them, and instead of being logical and reasoning that it stems from our own feelings, we start behaving all stand-offish, and when the girl (who probably has her own insecurities that we don’t know about), naturally, appears not to be too crazy about us, we’re all like- “what a fudging BIATCH! What’s her problem?”  So yeah; I get it; I just wish we could all rise above it.  Also, this theory falls apart with me, because I seem to be the girl that girls who don’t like girls actually DO like, and this must mean that I’m either so completely worthless and pointless that they don’t see me as a threat, or that I’m just so super-duper awesome that they can’t help but love me.  I’d like to think it was the second one, but instead I see it as a sign that my theory has some holes in it.  People are WEIRD; let’s just leave it at that.

However, at the risk of sounding like some weird man-hater, I must say that there are also things I don’t like about most girls.

1.   High heels
WHY DO GIRLS WEAR THEM?!? They look fine, I guess, but they hurt and actually physically deform your feet over time.  I have occasionally worn heels myself on a night out, and EVERY TIME I end up at home covered in blisters and bitter regret.  They just ruin the whole evening- what’s the point of them? To make you a bit taller? Why? Unless you’re a very, very small girl, I mean, small enough to cause you to feel uncomfortable, as one might with an extra arm growing out of your face, what is actually the point? Is making your calves look slightly elongated worth several hours of BLINDING PAIN and taking three times as long to walk anywhere? The answer is no.

2.   Toilet time
Ladies, what on earth are you doing in the toilet?!? If I’m doing a wee and it is not my period, which makes up about 75% of my toilet visits, I cannot possibly justify taking longer than about 30-40 seconds in that cubicle.  If you are elderly or otherwise have difficultly sitting and standing, fair enough, but how can you justify being in there for 5 minutes even if it is a poo? Especially when there’s a queue forming outside? What ARE you doing in there? 

3.   GIRLS MUST STICK TOGETHER
Having gushed about girls throughout this post, I resent the fact that just because a fellow human being is a girl, I am obligated to like her because of what people think ‘feminism’ is.  Sometimes, girls, like boys, are just not very nice, or they may be really boring or stupid, but magazines encourage me to look upon the entire female species as some kind of incredible super-group of goddesses while men are just our helpful, loyal companions.  I have often heard comments (usually from girls, and a LOT of girls at that) like- “I hate it when a girl calls another girl a slut; it’s just disgusting.” I find this grossly unfair.  Not only do I think it’s awful for anyone to call anyone a slut (unless they actually are a slut, which they probably aren’t,) but why is it worse for a girl to use the word? It is, of course, absolutely fine for a man to use it, because they don’t matter, but us girls must stick together, right? BS.

There being many exceptions, I imagine, to all of these rules, the only thing really consistently different about men and women lies in their genitals, which I suppose renders this entire post moot. I do, however, hope that it provided some entertainment.

Monday, 5 November 2012

My date with a nest of fire ants


Foofy and I began our relationship in March, but because he flew to Austria for a bit afterwards, I didn’t get to see him for about 10 days! This was pretty horrid, and, weirdly, that 10 day separation was far more traumatic than our three month separation at the moment due to a stupid ocean and a theatre company that insisted on hiring me.  (How BLOODY selfish!!!!) We are currently only 17 days, 18 hours, 3 minutes and 37 seconds away from seeing each other again, but anyway, I digress.

Foofy and I went on our first date on the day he came back from Vienna.  We went to my house and sorted out all of his things, after which we went for a little walk in the park.  We then made the mistake of trying to be romantic and sit in the shade of a tree.  For a couple of minutes we happily exchanged thoughts and shnoogles, until I was interrupted by an uncomfortable sensation in my right buttock.  Apologising to Foofy, I gave myself a scratch and sat back down, and we continued talking.  Then it happened again.  Because I’m a little bit slow and absent-minded sometimes, it probably happened about 8 more times before I decided to stand up.  On rising from my position on the ground, I looked down at where I had been sat to be met with THIS:



I don’t know if it was because I was suddenly able to put my discomfort into some kind of context, but that’s when it started to hurt VERY badly.  I was desperate to rip off my clothes and have a look at what had happened to me but modesty prevented me.  This was, looking back on it, one of the worst things to happen on a first date.  Although I am a woman with IBS and periods so can quite happily deal with extraordinary amounts of pain, this was no ordinary pain- it was like someone was holding up a red hot poker to my buttocks (something that Edward II is unfortunately familiar with, but that’s another story,) but for some reason it also made me laugh, as it was very tickly, and I found that the pain was slightly reduced by walking in a very awkward, wiggly way and by making a lot of noise.  Here I was, trying to impress my man on our first proper date together, and through no fault of my own, I was forced to behave like this:



So the rest of mine and Foofy’s date involved going to Boots and buying antihistamine tablets and various un-pronounceable creams with pictures of bees on them, and me applying the creams in a John Lewis toilet cubicle while he waited outside in what OF COURSE had to be the knickers section. The lady in Boots was actually very helpful, telling us that fire ants like to run around on someone’s skin, biting in a circular pattern.  I don’t know why they do this but in my head it has something to do with OCD.



She asked if she could see the injury, but I told her it was in an ‘inconvenient’ place, and she seemed to understand.  As we were walking home, I noticed a sudden, sharp pain in my arm, and I ripped off my jumper only to find that there were MORE FIRE ANTS IN MY JUMPER and I had to hold it at arms’ length for the 20 minute walk home.  I’m not sure what we did for the rest of the day, but I would have hoped that we bought some wine and watched the Apprentice (it being a Wednesday night) and forgotten about the incident.  Whatever happened that day, I must have been pretty good company, as Foofy is still sticking around. 

Weirdo.

Anyway, though this date was pretty disastrous in light of the ants, it certainly made for a very ‘ant’-ertaining blog post!

Sunday, 4 November 2012

"I'm sorry, professor; rats ate my homework."


In Berlin zoo the other day, we saw these incredible creatures that looked just like massively oversized rats. (I would compare them in size to a large sausage dog, though you can get a pretty good idea of their size by looking at the apples in relation to them.) 



I was desperate to break into their enclosure and give them a hug, but, for obvious reasons I didn’t.  Seeing them, though, reminded me of a story from several years ago:

A long time ago I lived in a shared house at university.  It was a charming wee house that I spent three happy years in, although it had a slight downside in that 4 people were required to share a bathroom.  I’d lived in this house with three boys initially, and it was a complete disaster area in terms of mess the entire time.  As I said a few posts ago, I am not the tidiest of people, but when it comes to cleanliness I am very much on a par with other people, and thrusting my hand into my favourite mug to fish out a crisp packet only to find a used condom lurking at the bottom was not something I was thrilled about experiencing.

Anyway, it was not until the following year, when I was living in the same house with 2 girls and 1 boy, all impeccably clean people, when we got the rats.  My housemate, let’s call her Goose, thought that she’d seen a mouse one day in her room.  She didn’t leave any food in her room and she was the cleanest of us all, so it was very surprising.  We had all, also, heard a lot of scratching during the night, as if something was in the walls.  Reasoning that it couldn't have been anything too big or scary, we didn’t think too much more of it, until we woke up one morning to find that a box of mince pies had been eaten into, and one of the pies, foil case and all, had been utterly devoured.  The others remained largely intact, apart from having been nibbled around the edges.



At this point, we decided to call a pest man, who informed us that we didn’t have mice, but actually baby rats.  They had somehow crawled up through the pipes into the roof, and down to our ground level flat through a couple of holes in our wooden floor.  The rats had also managed to chew their way through Goose’s floor one night and eat all of her biology notes for the semester, and half of her yoga mat.  After this incident she erected a rat-guard in her room, consisting of an upturned plastic box with several heavy books piled on top.  Now I love rats, and think they make wonderful pets, but unfortunately the wild ones carry diseases and it would have been impossible for us to share our house with them:



When the exterminator came, he brought with him a huge tub of rat poison, telling us that it would not only kill the rats, but make them thirsty first, so that they would leave the house to find water before they died.  This was good in that we wouldn’t be living just above dozens of rat carcasses.  He found the hole that the creatures were coming through, and approached it with the tub of poison.  It was very funny when he poured it down the hole, because we kept thinking that he’d stopped, only to pause and pour a bit more in.  He ended up pouring almost the entire tub down the hole.  They'd never have survived that, but I'd often imagined that they had somehow got wise to the poison, escaped and are now living freely out in the countryside somewhere.


R.I.P. rats! :(