Friday, 23 November 2012

How to get out of the Friendzone in 1,000,000 easy steps!

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on something called the “Friendzone.” This is a very serious disease that has affected every man in the world at some point, and definitely no women at all.  Seeing as the articles I have been reading are so incredibly well-constructed and well-rounded, I am including direct quotes from them for your convenience.  I am also aware that these views are definitely held by every man in the world and that all men would wish to be associated with them.    

“For most guys, getting out of the friend zone usually means that you had a chance at the beginning, but then somehow, some way, for some reason or the other, YOU BLEW IT. You took a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the dreaded friend zone.”

“A guy can innocently befriend a girl, could realize after the expiration of the new-acquaintence validation period that he wants to date her, but could then find that, due to his delay, he is locked into a thousand years of being digested by friendship, shopping, and talking about her boyfriend…After much trial and error, I figured out how to prevent it, how to identify it, and how to deal with it once it’s taken root.”

Attraction has an expiration date. There’s a time frame in which things need to get romantic and sexual… otherwise they probably never will. And that escalation window is open from about the third hour you spend with her, all the way up to about the 20th.”

And not a second later.

You see, men, once you are friends with a girl, there is no going back. (…or IS there?) You have to recognise that, as a man, it is completely your fault if you fail to enter into a sexual relationship with a woman.  You, as a man, have 100% of the responsibility and are therefore to blame if nothing happens.  There is a way to get every single woman in the world into bed with you (maybe not all at once) but because you are an idiot, you failed at this.  This makes you pretty worthless in the eyes of everyone and you probably shouldn’t be a man at all.

“Most women can get sex anywhere, any time and any way they want it.”

This is very true; the following incidents alone have happened to me in the last 24 hours:

“The problem for us guys is that women don’t want sex anywhere, any time and any way we want it. For women, sex comes bundled up with an onslaught of dizzying and complicated emotions. The result? It’s infinitely easier for women to place men into the category of “friends” rather than admit them as lovers.”

This is the reason that women never have sex with their male friends.

“When a man likes a woman, he naturally wants to express his feelings between the sheets. This is natural.  Unfortunately, the female brain can’t process this logic.”

“When it comes to romance and sex, women just don’t get it. But that’s what we’re stuck with so we have to make the best of it.”

“But if she likes me so much… then WHY does she want to be just friends?
Ah, female logic! Einstein has been quoted as saying that he can unravel many of the universe’s greatest mysteries… but he still doesn’t understand women.”

If Albert Einstein whimsically quoted something, we know that it must be absolutely true.  Men and women, as you probably know, have profound neurological differences which can make communication between them almost impossible.  Don’t be fooled by this article: 

and definitely don’t read this one:

It is not at all the case that women and men can be influenced by the outside world into communicating in a certain way and into adopting roles typical to their gender.  Women and men don’t just have slight neurological differences that cause them to approach the same problem a little differently but come up with similar results; the fact is that women and men actually have completely different logical systems:

This is why you don’t get any female doctors, scientists or mathematicians, and why you hardly ever come across male authors, artists or linguists.  Here is the proof that females cannot use logic.

1.   Male logic is correct
2.   Male logic dictates that sex and relationships should be undertaken in a particular way.
3.   Female logic dictates that sex and relationships should be undertaken in a different way.
4. There is only one correct way to undertake a sexual relationship.
5.   Female logic is incorrect

But, as quoted above, men have to accept that women are illogical, irrational creatures and just deal with it as best they can.  Think how difficult it must be for a woman, always being at the mercy of her hormones and emotions, and simply pity her for not being a man and never crying or getting angry or anything. It’s a pain to deal with women and to cajole them into a relationship once you are friends, but it is certainly doable:

“Can you think of a girl that you really like, but who’s really not your type? You might even think she would make the PERFECT girlfriend, but you just don’t FEEL it.  Women are the same way… so MAKE her feel it!”
It is most definitely possible to create a burning sexual and romantic passion when there is absolutely no sexual or romantic chemistry; the only sure-fire way to guarantee that a woman will have sex with you is by acquiring as much money as you can:

“Unfortunately, when it comes to choosing men for sex, the No. 1 priority for a lot of women is money. If you don’t have it (or enough of it), odds are you’ll be immediately dumped into the friend zone.”

It is a mathematical fact that the most important thing for women in a relationship is that the man has money.  Here’s a graph that I drew based on EVERYTHING:

It’s certainly not the case that women are ever attracted to other qualities in men that often appear with money; men with natural confidence, charisma, personal hygiene, well-kept appearances and gregariousness hardly ever manage to get well-paid jobs; usually they go to the smelly, scruffy, insecure men who hate the world and everyone in it.

“Once a woman has relegated you to the "friend zone,” it’s all but impossible for her to see you in any other way. Of course, she’ll still expect you to act like the lovers she’s currently sex-ploiting -- by forcing you to pay for her meals and cart her around like a chauffeur -- but without the fringe benefit of getting laid.”

Because a woman knows that every man will automatically want to have sex with her, she will always use this to her gain.  It is not the case that she will sometimes unconsciously use her appearance to get what she wants due to 1000s of years of being brainwashed into believing that her appearance is the only way to achieve anything as a woman.  That is not the case at all.  It is a fact that all women know they hold all the sexual power in their hands and they will all use it for nefarious and malicious purposes.  This is why no woman ever has to pay for anything, and why you never see any homeless women, or women who are struggling to make ends meet with a low-paying job.  If you pay for all of a woman's things expecting to get sex in return and she knows that you have feelings for her and lets you do this, the solution is to carry on doing it forever but complain about it at the same time.  Stopping paying for everything because this girl is clearly a cockface is absolutely not an option here.

“Many guys fantasise that, by acting as a hot girl’s friend or romantic counsellor, they can “backdoor it” into her heart or her bed. This may work well in romantic comedies (or possibly with psychotic women), but in real life, you’re just kidding yourself. You’re a friend, and she doesn‘t need you for sex.”

Romantic feelings between people never arise out of being kind and considerate to one another.  It simply doesn't happen.  It's not happened to almost everyone I know.

Because of the previously discussed communication difficulties between men and women, it is impossible for two adults of different sexes to sit down and have a mature discussion about their feelings.  Conversely, homosexual relationships have a 100% success rate.

“You finally work up the courage to ask her out and she tells you: “I don’t want to jeopardise our friendship,” “I like you too much to go out with you,” “I don’t want to risk losing what we have,” and so on.”


“She has relegated you to friend status because you’re way too nice, too accommodating and too arse-kissing. She knows she can have you just by snapping her fingers. You follow her around like a moon-eyed puppy dog. You try to impress her. You think you can buy her attention with flowers, gifts and expensive meals. You are a wuss and she can’t wait to castrate you and make you her best girlfriend who’ll look after her pets while she goes running off for the weekend with a tattooed biker.”

“She’s been abused or brutalised by the bad boys she’s voluntarily chosen to date (and she blames her bad choices on the men themselves, of course), so now she can’t even begin to establish a normal relationship with a normal guy.

When girls decide on potential boyfriends, they never look for someone who is kind, polite, articulate and who will treat them well, they always, completely consciously and intentionally, pick the very worst man in the world for them, purely because of female logic.  Men never do this of course, and always go after the women who are most definitely best-suited to them, looks and personality-wise.  Not only this, but girls will find any way they can to cut off nice men’s penises because they hate men and their penises.  The reason for the girl over-looking these nice men is entirely down to the girl being an inconsiderate shallow slut and not at all because of the man’s insecurity or any other shortfall he might have.  When a girl voluntarily enters into an abusive relationship (because girls really like being hit and stuff) she deserves everything she gets.  It’s certainly not true that men can lure a girl into his lair and gradually find ways of reducing her confidence and removing her from her friends and family; the girl is fully conscious of what she is getting into and any violence towards her is probably well-founded.  The most important thing for everyone of both sexes to remember (because apparently men can be lured into abusive relationships too) is that when one person treats you badly, the answer is to blame the entire sex as a whole for your bad experience.   This kind of generalising behaviour is incredibly constructive and doesn't in any way start a vicious circle of stereotyping.

“Start dating other women…In other words, make her jealous. If she has any sexual interest in you at all, this will drive her crazy…She isn’t stupid …she’s known all along that you want to jump her bones, so if you reject her sexually, she won’t be able to stand it…she’ll react a lot differently around you if she thinks you could leave her at any time for another pretty face.”

The only girl that matters here of course is the girl you, as a man, are fixated on.  Any girls that are used tactically in order to make other girls feel jealous need to understand that their part to play in this web of lies was totally necessary, and that their feelings are not particularly important.  However it is vital for these un-important girls to give up on men completely and accuse them all of lying and manipulation, as this will really improve their situation and make them a lot happier.

“Start with playful compliments until you can eventually move on to flirting that’s more sexual in nature. If I notice that she put on some perfume, my favorite line is, “You cannot wear that perfume around me any more, because I’m afraid that one of these days I won’t be able to hold control myself and do something BAD.”

As we have already alluded to, women are very attracted to men who essentially threaten them with rape using excellently constructed sentences.

“There is no way in hell that she is going to be making the first move, but she will be giving you hints that it’s okay to do something now.”

Women don’t ever make the first move.  That would make them men, and make their potential boyfriends gay.  Whenever girls DO make the first move, this is always completely and totally accepted by the man and they never make her feel embarrassed or desperate for doing so.

“She is the flower… you are the bee. Don’t expect the flower to walk right up to you hive.”

A valid sociological and biological point.

“It took me many years and even more heartbreaks to finally figure it out, but this very process has worked MIRACULOUSLY for me every single time I have applied it.”

It’s amazing how the writer has managed to have multiple successful relationships as a result of his research that haven’t ended for any reason.

“Don't forget to be grateful and reward your friend when they behave as you desire. After they are good to you, remember to be good to them back. Being attentive and affectionate, only when they do what you like, encourages them to continue those behaviors. Also, ignoring them when they behave badly helps to reduce unwanted behaviors”

This is good advice for any situation- people like to be treated like dogs.  Because women are illogical and irrational they will never catch on to the fact that they have been manipulated into a relationship and it will undoubtedly be a complete success.  Men probably will catch on because they are more logical, but they probably won’t mind if there is sex involved, as men only care about sex in a relationship and never look for companionship, kindness, shared interests and similar life-goals.

“What’s more - it’s even very possible for a woman to have a fling with a man she doesn’t like AT ALL… based SOLELY upon the fact that he knows how to attract women, and without ANY “liking” whatsoever.
Sometimes women can even get EXTREMELY attracted to men that make them ANGRY.”

This is because women enjoy being unhappy.  It’s definitely not because feelings of anger and passion tend to come from a similar place.

“Maybe you’re willing to lavish the girl with attention indefinitely despite little expectation of an actual mutually exclusive two-way-street type relationship with a future.”

This is what being friends with a girl entails.  Because men and women are completely different and never share the same interests, friendships between men and women can only be productive for a man if he is having sex.  It’s only fair. 

“So when you meet a girl, don’t hold back. Make your move, Casanova… and make it early.  What do you have to lose… a friendship? If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll probably have to admit that starting a new friendship wasn’t your intention when you approached her.”

With that attitude I’m surprised he’s not up to his teeth in naked girls.

To sum up, the best way to get out of the friendzone is to understand that human beings are completely predictable and there are solid mathematical formulae in place for getting precisely what you want out of them.  Once you understand these formulae, you can use these to lie, cheat and manipulate every romantic and sexual situation to your advantage.  Because this post has been mostly advice for men, I don’t want the ladies to feel left out; why not try using your emotional, irrational side to your advantage? How about trapping a man in a loveless relationship by bursting into tears at any threat of a split? How about accusing him of rape and turning all of his friends against him? That one’s also a winner.  Whatever you do, never try and approach a romantic situation with maturity and honesty; that never works; and if the object of your affection is not interested, be sure to stick around and allow your feelings for them to turn into an unrelenting whirlpool of bitterness and hatred.  Finally, make sure to never, never attempt to rid yourself of your victim status; that is the only way to guarantee that you’ll never be hurt by anyone ever again.


  1. I'm so glad you posted this, darling. Now everyone on the internet has access to the ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EFFECTIVE and FOOLPROOF method I used to manipulate you into dating me. Boy, imagine what would have happened if I had waited another twenty minutes before making a move! #Friendzone!

  2. Brilliant and hilarious as this is, Poe's Law dictates that someone, somewhere will find it and take it 100% seriously.

    1. Oh, I certainly hope they do; that'd be wonderful!

  3. Adult social network - Dating through an online service such as ours is a safe experience but in the rush of excitement it's sometimes easy to forget to keep it that way.