My next set of stories involve several strange incidents that happened while I was working, and my recording of them is largely inspired by the wonderful stories I see On this website, them all being pretty short and sweet.
The man who hated Portugal
The man who hated Portugal
It
was the 2006 World cup. England was
playing Portugal, and it had come down to penalties. Now England are not very good at penalties,
and my hopes were not high. It was
hardly a surprise when they lost. For a
moment, I thought- “everything will be fine; we lost, but at least we all
enjoyed the game for what it was.”
It
was at that point that I heard a smash, and turned around to see that a man, upset
by England’s loss, had thrown his pint glass at the large window, which
subsequently shattered, showering broken glass all over everyone in a
three-metre radius.
Our
manager looked calmly at the situation. Honestly compels me to mention that it wasn't even close to being this bad, but anyway:
The man who wanted
a scotch
This
guy wasn’t rude, just really funny. He was
American, which made it funnier:
Him:
(ordering from 10 metres away from the bar) Hey! Could I get a scotch?
Me:
Sure! Were you after anything in particular? We’ve got some blends, which are
cheaper, or some single malts.
Him:
(reaching the bar) I just want a scotch.
Me:
Well we’ve got about thirty different kinds. Would you like me
to recommend one for you?
Him:
I want a scotch.
Me:
Highland Park’s very popular; my favourite’s Dalwinnie…
Him:
Could I just get a scotch?
There
was a pause.
Me:
I’ll get you a Famous Grouse.
He
then took it with a little jug of water (and on ice), and spent the next ten
minutes explaining to me the correct way to drink scotch, and how he was in a scotch-tasting society back home. Hmmm…
The man who didn’t
like vomit
This
one completely escaped me, and this time, my picture is in no way an exaggeration of the scene I was faced with:
Is it our fault the bride and groom paid us to serve mulled wine, champagne and
white wine? Should we have denied them their dream wedding because one person
chose to drink too much and ruin his own evening? Was anyone else throwing up
and making a fool of themselves?
Obviously,
I didn’t say this, but I was thinking it. My brave colleagues cleaned up the mess and the boy was fine, apart from, I imagine, a deep sense of shame.
The man who couldn’t
see the Menus for the tables
So
in a little café I worked in, people had to come to the bar to order. However sometimes, because I like being
helpful (and wanted to pretend I was a real waitress), I’d come over and do
table service if we were quiet. I
approached a table of five, who had come into the almost empty café and, aside
from a group I had just served, they were my only customers.
“Hello!”
I said brightly. “Could I get you all
something to drink?”
The
five people looked at me in what could only be described as utter disgust. One man spoke for the lot of them, while
looking around at his companions and laughing, as if my idiocy was so obvious
it was funny.
“Uh…could
we have a MENU, please?!?”
I
looked carefully at him, and realised that they didn’t have a menu on their
table. I then looked around at the 12
other tables in very close proximity that also had menus on them. Without having to walk anywhere, I simply
reached to my right hand, picked up a menu from a different table and handed it
to him.
“Here
you are, sir!” I said brightly.
I
admit that I should have realised that a menu had been, apparently, stolen,
leaving us one short but why would you (a) sit down on the only table without a
menu, (b) not simply grab a menu yourself, seeing as this is an informal café and
not a table-service restaurant, and (c) be really rude to somebody who went out
of her way to give you good service? Honestly!
The man who didn't like glasses
I usually wear contact lenses, but I'd recently had an eye infection so I was giving my eyes a bit of a break for a few days. A customer (who had apparently seen me before) came up to the bar:
"Why would someone like you wear glasses?" He said, "you had such a beautiful face before."
As the irony of this blatantly anti-feminist attack burned its way through my soul, I tried to think of a witty remark but unfortunately my brain didn't give me one.
The man who didn't like glasses
I usually wear contact lenses, but I'd recently had an eye infection so I was giving my eyes a bit of a break for a few days. A customer (who had apparently seen me before) came up to the bar:
"Why would someone like you wear glasses?" He said, "you had such a beautiful face before."
As the irony of this blatantly anti-feminist attack burned its way through my soul, I tried to think of a witty remark but unfortunately my brain didn't give me one.
No comments:
Post a Comment