One
of my main ambitions in life is to become the voice of the trains, i.e. the
person whose voice you hear when you are on a train who is giving you
information:
“This
is the… Piccadilly Line… Service… To…
Cockfosters.”
That
one always makes me laugh, because it has a cock in it.
Because
of the disjointed nature of these announcements they can sometimes be very
funny. One time I was travelling through
North Wales to Chester and I heard the following.
“This
is the… 10:48… Central Train service… To…
Chester. Calling at… Chester.
The next stop is… Chester.”
Other
times they are funny because they impart horrifying information while sounding
ridiculously calm about it:
“We
are sorry to announce that the…17:15…First Great Western service…to…London
Paddington…has been delayed by approximately…one hundred and ninety-five
minutes…we apologise for the delay that this has caused to your journey today.”
(Again with the ‘Todays!’)
One
time, at Reading, the announcement got stuck halfway through so we got:
“We
are sorry to announce that the… 18:06…First Great Western Service…to…Redhill…has
been deLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…”
It
was one of the single funniest moments of my life, because the ‘lay’ of ‘delayed’
is spoken at a slightly higher pitch relative to the rest of the word, so the
announcement jamming on this one syllable was particularly funny and
surprising. I immediately got a picture
in my head of what the announcer would have been like if it had been a live
announcement:
Apparently,
the other fifty people on the platform were imagining the same thing because
they all simultaneously burst out laughing and we had a wonderful moment of camaraderie
rarely experienced in such a dull and dreary station. The 'LAAAAAAAA..." went on for at least 8 minutes, and it was particularly funny, because during this time they occasionally managed to briefly turn it off, but we were able to hear that it still continued in other parts of the station.
Sometimes
what makes me laugh is the reason for the delays; one time my train was
cancelled because lightning had struck the tracks in between Reading and
Slough, and another time it was because one of the doors on the train was
malfunctioning and would not stop opening and closing. My favourite, however, was when they didn’t
attempt to give a reason at all, and just said:
“We
are sorry to announce that this train has been delayed, due to ‘an incident
earlier in the day’.”
I
let my imagination run wild as to what this incident could have been:
Once when I was on the tube the driver announced, "This is Moorgate. Change here for the Northern line and for national rail services to sunny Stevenage, although I can't think why anybody would want to go there."
ReplyDeleteThis is why I love being Stage Manager, I get to do ANYTHING I WANT on the loudspeaker.
ReplyDeleteI love train announcements so much. Today: 'We are sorry to announce that the...14:42... cross-country service to... Reading... has been delayed by approximately...38 minutes due to... animals on the line.' I can't help picturing the characters from a children's book about a zoo in the middle of the national rail line with an angry station master yelling at them.
ReplyDeleteThe train now arriving on platforms 5,6,7,8, and 9 has come in sideways.
ReplyDelete