Like a lot of girls, I barely plan what I’m going to eat for lunch, but I have planned my future wedding down to the tiniest detail; it is going to be in this lovely big house near Aberdeen that I have been to often with University societies, and I will dress like a duck. Here is an artist’s impression:
The four white ducks will have to be raised from eggs in order for them to trust me enough to follow me up the aisle. This is a task I am more than willing to take on.
Here is the day’s itinerary in military time:
1200 hrs: Guests arrive for ceremony. They will be greeted by llamas in ceremonial dress.
1230 hrs: The ceremony begins; I walk up the aisle followed by the 4 white ducks I will have trained from eggs.
1240 hrs: Bird of prey will fly the rings through the audience to my fiancé and me. Guests are enthralled.
1250 hrs: We are married.
1300 hrs: Guests exit the seating area to be greeted once more by llamas in ceremonial dress.
1315 hrs: Photos with the various animals and guests; while birds of prey give a display and people can have a go at getting the birds to fly to their arms.
1400 hrs: Guests are ushered into the dining room for food. Food will be a buffet made up of jacket potatoes, nachos, fish and chips, chips and cheese, and Marmite soup, as well as ice cream, chocolate, sweets, meringue, mango, strawberries and whipped cream.
1445 hrs: While the guests are eating, speeches will be made.
1530 hrs: The guests slowly drift out.
1600 hrs: Guests are encouraged to drift between the food and drink on the inside and the games and music which will be outside. There will also be an organised walk around the surrounding countryside while a stage is erected.
1800 hrs: Fully staged production of Gilbert and Sullivan’s ‘Trial by Jury’ along with a selection of favourites from other Gilbert and Sullivan operas.
1930 hrs: Wedding cake will be served; wedding cake will be made out of lots of little cupcakes.
1945 hrs: Traditional Scottish country dancing (ceilidh) ensues
2100 hrs: Disco music begins, as does a specially choreographed routine to “I don’t speak Americano’ which will be filmed for posterity.
2230 hrs: Though music and dancing will continue, the younger guests will be encouraged to get changed and join the Bride and Groom in a game of ‘Sardines.’
0030 hrs: Exhausted, we go back to the main area, which will now be playing soft ‘chill-out’ music. We will drink port and talk gaily of the wonderful day we have just had.
0200 hrs: Bed.
1100 hrs: Off to Center Parcs for a two week honeymoon!
I challenge anyone to come up with a better wedding than this.