When I was a teenager, magazines had slightly different content to what they do now. Nowadays it’s all very trendy and hipster but when I was younger they were full of very tame, childish stuff; interviews with Boyzone about how much they loved their mums and stickers of the Spice Girls and free CDs and sparkly lip-gloss. Nowadays it’s all about cocaine and auto-erotic asphyxiation and mothers eating their babies or something.
My favourite parts of the magazines of my teens were the embarrassing moments, which all had the same basic formula:
One day I was going to meet my friends in the park for some boy-spotting. I picked up a cute top and a pair of jeans and got dressed. Once I was out of the house I noticed that Satan and the four horses of the Apocalypse had come to inflict their eternal darkness upon the Earth. Also, the heel broke off my shoe just as I was passing some top totty: how embarrassing!
Having arrived in the park and met my friends, I noticed that the water had turned into a lake of fire and the geese and ducks had all become ravenous for human blood. As we were running away from them I tripped over and fell flat on my face! When I looked up I saw that a bunch of totally cute boys from my school were watching; one of which I’d had my eye on for months! Needless to say, he never talked to me again! CRINGE!
Just then, some crows came to peck out my friends’ eyes and feast on the sweet nectar within; while I was shielding my face I looked down to see that I had a pair of pants hanging out of my jeans pocket! What a red face!!!!